To live and let it go

At the end of the last year I had a really bad period. Many would probably call it for a life crisis of some sort. In the long and dark hours, conversations I had and decisions I made afterwards I kept coming back to the part of me and my life that always made me feel bad: It is the part of me that doubts, that is scared and afraid of making a mistakes and that always wants to be good, enough to the others. Trying to prove myself my whole life I always felt like it wasn’t good enough. I kept saying that to myself, I kept finding and remembering life experiences that just confirmed my strong beliefs.

It was hard to say it loudly for the first time. It was hard to admit to myself that I DO make mistakes and that it IS ok. And by accepting that I started my journey to find the way of living my life without being anxious and afraid about how others see me, how I precieve myself. In March I had a special therapy and I finally said it loudly to the complete stranger, to the others that did and didn’t know me well and I keep saying it so I don’t forget what my goal for now is.

When I came back from my trip back then I knew I was ready to finally challenge myself and do something I was scared of the most: letting my thoughts and feelings be set free and starting to do something I always was passionate about: writing.

Back in my school days I wrote love songs and short stories. I read and wanted to be published but I never reached out. My only reader and my internal inspiration was my sister in low who also was my roommate back at ours collage days. What I didn’t know then and what I realized afterwards was that writing did matter and even if it meant something only to me, it still mattered. Because there and then it saved me from going crazy, it helped to come back after a period with depression, it made things have sense when all was dark and lonely and it made memories live forever.

I lost many of my stories and letters from the time writing on the borrowed computers but many of them still live in me.

It took me almost 10 years of writing just on and off, never sharing and never wanting to share those words, and it took last 3 since I got an idea about the #wrapnap. I bought the domain, I said to my partner what I wanted and didn’t dare and I wrote but still nothing happened.

And step by step, realizing that I need to heal myself and that I need to show the others what matters to me and that it is ok being imperfect and still doing something meaningful – even if it only matter to you.

My big girl is perfectionist by nature and sometimes it hurts badly seeing how harsh she is with herself and how hard she takes her own failur. I cant always explain how it is not worth it and how it doesn’t matter cause she is good just as she is. But if I can show her how by standing up for my own imperfection I also stand up for hers and any other, it is good to me and it is enough.

So today, two months after I created I am letting it free and I am allowing my self to live the passion it matters to me. So here we go….

I want to represent you a part of me that matters: my very own, first public blog.

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