When anger hits in

Homebirth thoughts – part 2

 

It was a busy week, it was very hard to survive last 10 days or so, so there wasn’t much time and space to think and contemplate. That meant that I didn’t talk about homebirth process and I didn’t focus on my feelings about it. But I still did my mini research and order a couple of books. I am also listening Podcasts about empowering your body and mind in this period and transition to the final part of the pregnancy. Most of them are also about homebirths and all different kind of births that took place all over the world.

 

In one of them I learned how 3 most important stages in every woman life is: getting her first period/embracing her womanhood, giving birth/becoming a mom and then finally going through menopause.

 

By embracing every part of these stages woman gets power to fully realise herself. And often if the one of those stages were denied or something negative or even traumatising happened while being in them, it can mean that a woman doesn’t feel complete, feeling not being empowered and aware of her own identity.

 

So what often happens in the birth experience is very determining for later feelings about being a mom.

I know now and it took me almost 6 years to learn that my first birth even though being decent, nice and partially satisfying also was far away from making me complete. It took a long time and lot of courage to admit to myself that my first daughter is wonderful and lovely and that in spite of that and love I feel for her, I also feel a part of me not connecting to her on the same level as with my second one. It took a lot to say it laud and then work on it. And it is first now I can feel that somehow in that process I am getting closer to her, honouring her as she is and not wanting her to be something/someone else.

 

It took some time to get here where I realise that I also have different feelings about my 2 births and that not all of them are positive.

 

Yesterday I was preparing to go to a homebirth lecture class. While I had a time to be me alone and contemplate about my expectations and partially fears, I also had time to feel how it was back then in 2012 and how I feel about it now and here.

And I realised that I feel angry, disappointed, alone and not seen for who I was/am and what I want.

 

I still feel that I got very professional and good service in the hospitals. I do feel that many of midwifes that I met back then were very talented and service minded women and that they did try to support me and give me the best of both my births.

 

And in the same time I feel let down by a system. I feel like I am just a number in their files. I never said: “I am doing this homebirth and you need to do it with me without raising a single question.”

I came open minded and curious, brave and frightened in the same time and expected to talk about me, my wishes, thoughts and dreams. I supposed that they would listen and respond. But all I got was statistics, threats and worst case scenarios. No one so far asked anything about ME – my situation, my history, my body, my pregnancy. I am being a case when all I want is to be a person.

That hurts. It makes me anger and sad in a same time.

I feel let down.

 

When I look back, I remember a very poorly midwife that was doing my pregnancy checks. I remember not being informed about much. I remember being laughed at my ideas about birth plan, about different scenarios, about the worries I had about induced birth. I feel angry because nobody mentioned different options, nobody said I could wait with being induced, no one talked about risks and hospital interventions.

 

Now they don’t talk about anything else but the risk.

 

For about 14 days ago a main midwife responsible for a continuous midwife pregnancy checks, also called “Know your midwife(“Kendt jordmor ordning), called to talk about me getting into their program. The concept is based on different teams consisting of 3 midwifes in each team that follow you through whole pregnancy and then are with you through the birth. That’s how you know them, feel a bond and trust knowing there will be someone familiar, someone knowing your situation, your wishes. This program has spot for 480 women every year and is often something given to those that choose to give a birth at home, but can also be for those that are giving birth at hospital but for some reason feel better with this way of doing things.

 

So she called to talk about connecting me to my team. Instead of talking about that she started to talk about my history and the risk factors. Again there was this harsh voice giving me a lecture about the risk I am taking. When I said I knew about that and still not being fully sure about my final decision, she started to explaining that they are under a pressure in the end of the year and that this privilege is meant for those being sure they will give birth at home. When I said I needed it no matter where I will give my birth because I do have things in my past that needs to be take care of and that I need this type of care, she asked me why I didn’t expressed this need before. By not taking my needs in consideration she actually blamed me for not taking responsibility for my own needs, the very same needs I didn’t know I had before I started on this journey.

Needs that I had before but that were denied and even made fun of, needs that made me feel asridiculous egoistic woman, needs that been swiped away by repeating same threatening courses.

I am raised to be a humble, quite and accepting what I am given. I am raised not to fight for my rights and by that I never did have a courage to stand up for myself.

But something very stubborn and willing is raising my voice now. I want to be heard and seen. I want to be a person and not a number in the system and I want to know that I have a support out there no matter what decision I make.

I want to be me as I see me and not as others want me to be.

So yes, I am angry and stubborn and I know I need to work on those negative feelings before I can embrace my own path, my women power and my own destiny.

That’s why, for the first time, I didn’t nod and accept what I could get but instead I insisted in my right to be part of this team and work on my decision about homebirth my way.

That means that I have a first consultant with my new midwife on Monday. I am nervous and excited in a same time. That also means that I am still making my own research, that I talk a lot and that I found a lovely private midwife that I am seeing at the end of the month.

 

Sometimes standing up is the only choice we have.And even though my legs are shaky and my palms are sweating of raising my voice out there, I know I don’t have any other option.

 

My journey continues.

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