Big family – small family

What does numbers mean to us

 

I remember a lot being a child. I remember this chestnut brown hair girl always playing a roll plays. Playing alone, never getting bored. I remember her finding all different kind of ways to create hers fantasy universe and in that universe capturing her big dream of having a (very) big family. I think I always played of having at least 12 children and I did have names for each and all of them.

While I was growing up I reduced the number of children to 4 or 5 and then stayed around that number. My boyfriends were mostly those no-serious ones but here and there I had big crush and later on a couple of soulmates I also shared some of my dreams with.

When I met my husband I knew it would be with him I am going to work on this big family dream. And by him saying yes to me, we both kept dreaming together the same dreams.

Year 2010 happened to be a year of many sad happenings and in the beginning of 2011 our dreams seemed to be totally crushed by getting to know we probably never ever going to have biological children.

That meant also finding a new paths and rethinking plans and future hopes. It took a while and by the August same year we started on the fertility journey of our own.

I never thought that dreams will be so hard to catch. I never ever dreamed of how much it will hurt.

But by closing one door, we looked deep into each other soul and our own hearts and found out that there is a way and that it is the right way.

By reducing the number of children I planed, all of a sudden life reduced it for me. I remember the moment in time there in 2011 where I doubted if I ever going to be a mom. And being a mom to another beautiful soul was my ultimate dream.

Some people ask how many times it took in the fertility before we got pregnant. And when I say the number they usually say something about us being lucky ones.

 

I am sure that I am a lucky one.But counting days, tracing my body changes and looking again and again in the sterile white colored walls of the fertility clinic wasn’t as lucky as it may seem.

I never imagined babies being made in a big, light rooms with all those different instruments while some strangers examine my inner parts and my husband just sitting holding my hand. I never thought it would take so long and yet so short time. I never imagine how much scares it would leave afterword.

I anticipated, I tested negative, I tested to early getting fake hopes by the remaining HcG hormones from the drugs using, I cried and missed my faith so many times. And then there it was a one weak line and than it became stronger and eventually she decided to stay. I felt blessed and I still do.

 

If it was only that one child it would be more than enough. She came as a beautiful and sensitive soul and landed in my arms and all I needed to do was giving her a par of strong wings and help her to learn how to fly.

 

But the dream left unfulfilled. It was chasing me and questioning my own strength and will. I knew that by loving one wonderful creature doesn’t mean not having more space in my heart for more of these loves.

 

Again we stood with fertility procedures and testing our believes. Again by mentioning the number of it, many will say that we were lucky ones. But every single procedure leaves a mark. Back than I reacted very strongly on the drugs given and I needed a bigger breaks in between and by waiting it everything seemed more difficult. And then she came yet another amazing persona that swiped the ground under our feet.

 

One of my favourite books is E. Hamingways classic piece of art: “For Whom the Bell Tolls”.There is a part in a book describing this crazy, blind, animalistic and timeless love of a two people while everything and everywhere around them is a chaos. By making love and giving it self to each other Earth stands still and they can feel it shakes under their passionate bodies.

I always thought I will meet that kind of love one day and I never imagined that it would be in a form of love for my own children, creating them in this chaos and feeling how everything can stand still in time by finally meeting them.

By meeting my second girl I also met again my wish of getting more children, getting a big family of my own. I knew that there must be ways and that there is a place in me waiting for more.

 

Love creates love. And where we meet obstacles we also find new paths.

 

It did take many more pieces of me in the process of getting here today. It made many  wounds and scares, many empty spaces in my soul but it also got me here at the end. In the ending of the last year I wrote all negative on a piece of paper. New Years Eve I red it to my husband and burned it afterword as a symbol of starting from a new clean sheet. After being pregnant in the end of 2017 and then not, I was ready to fight more and to quite in a same time. In January I stood with a positive test. I remember feeling complete, content and in piece with my self and the universe. Only the deepest parts of me know how dark it looked from out there.

 

Many still say that we were the lucky ones. And we are. Being able to use benefits of the modern technology and Danish welfare system, supporting each other in the process and in the grief and in happiness. We were lucky by being chosen by our children to be their parents. Being lucky getting here.

 

I am in my 26thweek and feeling wonderful. I feel bliss and power and love. I feel like everything is getting on its place.

I also know that this is our last child and that there wont be more ifs. It took some time to accept it. It took some guts facing it. But now I am in piece with my self and my dreams.

I know it may seem it had a lot to do with luck but at the very last end I believe it had much more with daring to dream and chasing them until the very end.

It may be true that I didn’t get a big family from my childhood plays but I most certainly feel it is the biggest one I ever could dream of.

 

So it is not about numbers, it is about dreams.

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