I didn’t write for more than two months and it is not cause I miss the ideas. I didn’t write cause you see we went from two to three (children) and now we are five and life is a constant chaos.
I am sure that I have been told that it is going to get hard. I am sure I heard it many times and I nodded and forgot the second after. I am sure I didn’t care and I am sure that I believed that it must be THEM not ME.
But then baby came and it did happened to me, to US.
It is messy, ugly, without control kind of life and it drains me. Having two children age 3 and 6 and getting a baby is crazy.
When first couple of days were gone, life went on and the bobble bursted. There was school deliveries and kindergarten deliveries and pick ups and children that wanted attention and time and there were mouth that wanted to eat and lunchboxes that needed to be fixed, laundry that needed to be washed, there were homework and spare time activities and plenty of more.
But most important there were knees that needed to be kissed and stories that wanted to be read and tears that cried after a warm hand. There were lots of yelling and screaming and whining and calling and every single ting needed to be observed and assisted.
And we are TWO and they are THREE.
Because I am here but not really. I see and hear and want and try, but all I do is that I am. I sit on the sofa and nurse the baby and rest and try to figure out how the heck I am going to be better in all of this. How can I survive?
It is hard. It still is. Being a mom for three of them and still feel like you are lacking big time. I missed them. Maybe even more than they miss me. I miss making breakfasts, brushing hair, taking them to school and picking up early. I miss listening about their successes and problems. I miss reading in the bed and hugging long and a lot. I miss being me.
Just now I am a very tired used version of me. I try and I fail. I feel sorry for all of them and all of us.
I did believe that it will get better and now I just keep going not knowing anything.
I am sure they told me this all over and over again. And yet it hit me hard how hard this part of parenting is.
Mommy of the year? I don’t think so but I will try the next one.
I hope I can find her in this big and ever lasting chaos.