I had a session with my therapist recently over Zoom and I told her all about our recent house problems. She asked me if I can relate those problems to my own personal issues. If I could see myself as a house how would I look like?
Ever since then I could not stop thinking about it and drawing parallels.
This is where that question took me.
If I go back in time, our first house was all we ever dreamt of. We bought a lot and paid to get a brand-new house with everything we could afford back then. We dreamt of a home for our future children, a dog, and a car, we even built more couple of years later, so we had an extra space for our family members and more children we were hoping for.
From the outside we had everything.
Inside I felt trapped. Like being lovely, shiny, and having all needed but really missing something. That house had good fundaments, good materials and all the potentials to be a good and loving home and yet it was missing something. In a same time, I was missing a part of me – the one I didn’t know what it was, but I still felt something wasn’t there yet. Life was easy back then but not enough. By missing something in me I kept turning to the missing parts in our home. And when with the time we convinced ourselves that the change was supposed to happen, we choose to sell and move on.
What we didn’t know was that by moving physically we couldn’t run away from us. I couldn’t hide from me.
When we landed in our second home that had even more then the first one, the clash between what was the reality and what our dreams represented could not be more far away from each other.
Many have asked and many never understood our decisions.
Maybe we were in search of perfect us by building the perfect house.
But then it hit us: perfect life, perfect house or perfect us doesn’t exist.
But let me continue for a bit.
In March we moved to our new place. It is an old house that on the paper had it all: beautiful nature, closeness of the city, private life and was renovated from top to toe. It was ready to move in and we thought we could keep with life we built around all circumstances.
When we in the beginning of the June went with a minor renovation it turned out to be a hell a lot of mess. An old house showed what was under all the new and shiny. There were pipes that were damaged, water leaking, mold, bathrooms that were done unproperly, a minor damage in the kitchen. When we started to dig it was like opening a Pandora box. One thing took another. There is a lot underground water on our lot that makes the house very moist, but the biggest problem is that the fundaments are built on a clay and the material used back in 60’s that makes water soaking in so all the underground water comes up in the house.
Combined with bad isolation, no ventilation it makes a perfect ground for the mold.
What that has with me to do?
Well the house is me I see now.
When my husband started to investigate, when insurance took over and when we started to find solution for each and every problem, my inner me showed how it all is related.
When we have physical problems we search for help – we repair damages, we paint walls and buy new technological solutions to improve missing parts, but if we think about our inner as the house what do we choose to do with issues inside of each of us?
If our pipes are damaged, if our fundaments are lacking, if our soul is almost crashing from the outside factors – do we see a resemblance and do we take those as seriously as we do our home problems?
I can keep for a bit. The fundaments of me were so shaky that I could not keep going. Not knowing who I was, made me uncapable to be. I always did what I was asked to. If by being me I met disapproval and shame, a bit of me vanished for every time I needed to please others. I didn’t learn what my personal boundaries are and how I can say no to the world.
Like many others (if not us all) all I wanted was to be loved and cherished and if that wasn’t able by being me, then I needed to adjust (over and over again). To be a good daughter, to be a proper sister, a loyal friend, passionate lover, kind collage, clever student…list is long, and it is uncountable.
When the fundaments couldn’t berry any more outside factors were penetrating the inner walls of what it was me – shame, quilt, never good enough, insecurities, anger…But the body learned how to adjust to keep being and the heart learned to pack all the pain even deeper inside. I was like this house: had everything on the paper and missing so many fundamentally important.
I needed to deal with me and when nothing else was helping I finally started on repairing pieces of my heart and soul.
I didn’t suffer any major traumatic event – but still I am full of trauma and scares. There is so much, and I know that fixing my inner means a lifelong process of learning and letting go, of loving and caring deeply for my self so I can be a better version of who I am.
It is not about the perfection and it is not about getting to the end – it is about being in the process and loving and caring for every single little part of it.
So if the house is lacking – we fix it or find people capable of doing it for us. If our soul is missing a piece do we deal with that or do we try to ignore it until unstoppable happens: we go down with a depression or stress or we dumb our selves with material pleasures and addictions so we don’t need to feel our pain?
If we would look into our own personality as a house that can be built, rebuilt, fixed, improved…would we see how we all could work on our own personal house inside of each and make those adjustments necessary to get meaningful and fulfilled life – not matter what that is.